Most Painful Scars

I have been over this scenario in my head thousands of times... the day I would find out we were expecting a precious child, the fear and anxiety of the pregnancy, and the outcome... a child that was part me and part my husband all smooshed into a little tiny person. I grew up loving kids that were younger than me, wagging around all of the babies at my church, and then as an adult loving all my friends children. I even decided a few years ago that I wanted to go back to college and get my degree in elementary education. Kids have been my passion... always. Having my own children should be easy.

I lost my one and only, Landon James, at 26 weeks pregnant due to preeclampsia. I was always hopeful that I would try again. My husband and I tried to conceive for almost 5 years with no luck. Then last year my life completely got turned upside down again. I was in the hospital having suffered a stroke. My neurologist and other doctors while I was in the hospital still seemed hopeful about the possibility of me having children, but that I would need to be closely monitored by a high risk doctor.

A few months after my stroke, I seemed to be back to myself, so I wanted to talk to my doctor about conceiving. I was referred to a high risk specialist in Springfield. The appointment came, and what should have been an exciting time for me ended up being a terrible disappointment. I got awful news... after reviewing my history and my current blood clotting problems I was advised to avoid pregnancy. Pregnancy would never be a good idea for me, as death was a likely possibility. I was broken and devastated.

A few months after I let all of this sink in, my husband and I wanted to start the adoption process, which we are currently still working on. I am very excited, and I know this is the right thing for us... but there was still this hope in the back of my mind that I would get pregnant, and God would pull through and we would get that miracle baby that the doctor just knew we wouldn't/couldn't have.

I was having some very heavy bleeding since starting my blood thinners after my stroke, so I made a special appointment with my gyno to talk about options. She brought up the appointment with the high risk doctor and the report she received back. She began to talk to me about birth control options... and about how limited my choices are because of my blood clotting disorder. We decided together that having my tubes tied and having an endometrial ablation would solve my birth control and heavy bleeding problems.

Monday I had my procedure done. I went in there with a peace about what this surgery meant for me. I knew that God led me down this path because He wanted to open my heart to adoption. I have no doubt about that.... but tonight my heart is heavy and all I can think about is how there will never be that chance that I will be pregnant. I am forever sterilized and will never carry a child. This is not how I pictured my life. I never imagined at 25 year old that I would have to make such a difficult decision. I am devastated and just waiting on God to pick me back up and brush me off.

These two incisions will likely make scars... and those  scars will always be a painful reminder that I am barren and will never carry a sweet baby in my belly again.

If only...

Today as I was driving through town on my way to run some errands... an image popped in my head. It was the image of a 6 year old, blond hair, blue eyed boy in my back seat giggling as he sang along to the song on the radio. The image burned in my mind... and I longed for it to be real life, and not just something I had dreamed up. I often wonder what my sweet Landon would look like... would he be short and skinny like I was as a young kid...? I also wonder what his  personality would be like... would he be serious, or always laughing and cutting up? Would he be sweet and want to snuggle before bed while we read a bedtime story? There are so many things I want to know about the little boy I never got to raise. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and wish he was with me. My life would be so different, and I would be so different. I wonder sometimes why God's plan for my life had to be so cruel, but I also know that I wouldn't be where I am today without the events that took place.

For the past 7 years of my life, I have been bitter and angry towards God. First I was angry because I got pregnant... that wasn't supposed to happen my first year of college. I was just being carefree and wild like every other college student, or so I thought. Then I was angry because in the blink of an eye Landon was taken from me, and my life has been forever changed. If only things had been a little different...

The Road Not Taken

I remember in high school I had to memorize this Robert Frost poem. Sometimes I feel like my life is like this... but instead of choosing the path less traveled on my own, I am forced down that road.

I had my much anticipated appointment with the high risk maternal/fetal medicine doctor recently. I was so excited to get on track for trying to get pregnant and see what steps we should take with our infertility issues, and talk about what other precautions should be taken because of my blood disorder. I was pumped, and ready for what the future would hold for Josh and I.

I didn't think that this appointment would be a disappointment, or anything to worry about. I was just concerned about having to do blood thinner injections twice a day and being monitored more closely. I was wrong on so many levels. I started talking to the doctor about my previous pregnancy with Landon. 

The doctor stopped and took a deep breath. I could tell that she was going to tell me something I didn't want to hear. Pregnancy for me would be a nail biter the whole way... if I even could get pregnant. Not only that but the risk of death is a possibility. Since I have already had a stroke, I am at a much higher risk of having another stroke. Pregnant women are more prone to blood clots... and someone with my disorder is looking at blood clots as a high possibility. I already had preeclampsia at 26 weeks, and the risk of that happening again is a 70-80% chance. If I did go full term with no complications, I would still be likely to have a low birth weight baby, and even a baby that would have my same blood disorder.

Wow... can you say tears?

I have already felt like a failure as a mother... but now I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife. I can't give my precious husband the child that he so desperately wants.

That's where "The Road Not Taken" comes into play. I can't physically give him the child that we both want... but we can adopt. Adoption is something that we have talked about before if we weren't able to conceive. Because of my situation, pregnancy is too dangerous for me. Josh and I talked, and he doesn't want to risk losing me for a baby when we can take the much safer route of adoption.

I had looked around at adoption several months ago, and I prayed about it then as well. This time that we brought it back up again... it felt right. No matter how heart broken we may have been at the news I got from the doctor, our hearts are still open to bringing a baby into our family. We don't care that it has my curly blonde hair, or Josh's hazel eyes.. or that it has none of our DNA. We just want to raise a child in the Lord and be parents to someone in need.

I am more than happy to announce that we have started our journey to adopt. Please pray for us during this time in our lives that God gives us the strength, wisdom, and money we need to bring a baby home in our arms. 

Reminiscing

I happened to think about my "blog" before there were blogs... my Xanga account that I had in high school and college. I decided to look and reminisce on old times... but I forgot that I posted some things during and right after my pregnancy with Landon. I will share with you my thoughts as a 19 year old soon to be mom/no longer a mom self.

Monday, August 28, 2006

So... it has been over 6 months since I posted anything in here. It's not like anyone reads this anyway, it is more or less a way for me to keep up with my ever changing life. Soooo much has changed since i last wrote in here. My care free attitude is gone, and now... i have so much to worry about. My plans of being able to get an apartment or house in Murray got shot down. I moved in with my dad... which has been really weird. We moved into a new house a couple of weeks ago though.. so that has been really nice. But really... none of this is important right now. What's important is the fact that i found out... in January... I'm gonna be a mom to a baby boy. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my entire life. Honestly. I sit and wonder how i will ever survive, how i will ever make it, and how i will be able to provide for this little life I'm bringing into the world. I am having to do this all on my own to. The father pretty much said screw you, wanted me to get an abortion... and i did what i knew was best. I am keeping this little bundle of joy and i am going to try and make him have the best life in the world. I just hope that he has as much love and opportunity in his life as i did. I hope i can give him everything that i wish i had had when i was growing up.So please, pray for me!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

so this isn't something that makes me happy, or something i like talking about, but the more i talk about, maybe the more i will heal. The past month of my life has been out of control. I am still waiting to wake up from a really bad dream. It is almost as if none of this can be real at all. On Thursday August 31st I woke up knowing something wasn't right with my body. I was so swollen, my face, my ankles, my feet, and even my hands felt as if they would bust open any minute. I told my parents I knew something was wrong, yet I went to my classes on campus from 8 that morning until 5:30 that night. My step mom called the doctor and told her what was going on with me, they said the swelling was normal, something that a lot of pregnant women deal with, just as long as my blood pressure didn't get high. That night my blood pressure was checked several times, and every time it was sky high. The next day I called my doctor while i was at work and told her i was concerned about everything, and she told me to come in as quickly as i could to see her. That morning she admitted me to the hospital, for what i thought was just going to be routine monitoring. The doctor came in later that day and told me that i would most likely be on bed rest until the baby was born, but that i didn't have anything to worry about. They wanted to keep me overnight to monitor some more things and then i would be free to go home the next day and take it easy. Well, bright and early the next morning Dr. Wynstra came in my room and he told me that I would be flown via helicopter to Norton's hospital in Louisville, Ky. There was a doctor there whom was known for his work with high risk pregnancy patients. I was told that Dr. Pietrantoni (Dr. P) would take very good care of me and make the rest of my pregnancy as good as possible. Little did i know that things were getting worse and worse by the minute. I was flown to Owensboro where we had to land due to the weather that morning and then transported the rest of the way in an ambulance to the hospital. The flight nurses took awesome care of me and tried to keep me comfortable. When i arrived at the hospital my brother was there along with my aunt. I felt much better knowing that i wasn't there alone. My parents arrived shortly after. I had an ultrasound done when i got there, and my little baby boy looked perfect as usual. All his parts were there and working, and he was moving around like crazy. It made me so happy to see him on that screen, but little did i know what would happen next. That afternoon, I met Dr. P for the first time. He told me i had some serious decisions to make. If i were to go ahead and try to keep the baby in me to grow for a couple more weeks where he would have a chance of survival, i would not only risk his life, but my own. His chances of survival were very very low, and even if he did survive he would most likely have a serious birth defect or other health problems for the rest of his life. I had the decision to try and wait out the pregnancy as long as possible, or to go ahead and terminate to have a better chance at saving my own life. I wasn't really aware of what was going on at this point. I then asked my dad if all of this was really happening. He held my hand and said he was afraid so. That was the most difficult news i had ever heard in my life. How could i make a decision like that? Soon enough... there was no decision to make. My life was in jeopardy. As i lay there, my blood pressure continued to rise, I was retaining more fluid, and my kidneys were no longer functioning as they should and were shutting down. The doctors said at that point, i was their patient and it was their job to save me. Not until later did i realize i was in a life or death situation. Dr. P told me i was fighting extremely hard to hang on. He told my family i was a trooper, that i was strong, and if i hadn't been, i wouldn't have made it. On Sunday Sept. 3, they began to induce labor. Later that night i received an epidural pump, and then on Monday they had to give me stronger medicine to make the contractions increase. Soon after, I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy i have ever seen, Landon James Stephens. You cannot even imagine just how beautiful he was. He weighed only 12 ounces, and yet made me feel the most love i have ever felt for anyone. It was such a shame to know i would come home empty handed. He was too small to make it. I'm not sure if he ever even breathed one breath of air... but i know now that he will never suffer, and that he is in heaven. I miss him so much. It is so weird to reach down and feel my belly and think that he isn't there anymore. I don't ever want to forget about him, because he has been such a big part of my life, the part where i grew up and realized what was important. It really does hurt to talk about everything.. but i never want people to forget him. My family has really been struggling along with me, and people keep telling me that I'm so strong, but... it is all a front i have put on... I'm not any stronger than anyone else is. I am just waiting to break down and crash one day. My tears never end, and every day i feel so much pain in my heart. What once was something i really didn't want, became the one thing i wanted very much... and that was the chance to be a good mom to my little baby boy, and now i never get that chance. I can't help but wonder what he would have been like if i had him a couple of months from now. What kind of joy would he have brought to my life? I will never know, but i do hope that i will meet him in heaven one day and see what he is like. The doctors told me if i ever got pregnant again, there would be a 70-80% chance that i would have the same complications. It makes me wonder if it will ever be worth it, but... one day i hope so. I want to get the chance to SHOW just as much love to a baby as i have FELT for Landon. Landon James Stephens Born: September 4, 2006 Died: September 4, 2006 You will be in my heart forever. I love you. The earth hath no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

	is it time for me to break down yet? am i allowed to do that now? i am so scared that when i finally do i will never get back up, and i will never be myself again. maybe i am already not myself? i feel so different. my smile was real... now, look at me.. who am i? what am i doing here? i guess its all not so bad. i make things out to be worse than they are.

Friday, December 01, 2006

i have always felt that it is important to share your life story. my life story is a crazy one. i look back at all these entries i have made over these past few years. my how things change. i never thought that i would have been through some of the things i have, seen soo much, and been hurt so badly. i never dreamed my life would be like this, not in a million years. yet, i see how God blesses me everyday. he blesses me with the gift of life, and he keeps me safe, and for the most part healthy. sometimes i wonder how i will make it to the next day, and sometimes i wonder if i do want to make it to the next day. my little bundle of joy was stolen out of my hands, his life taken from me, and... for what? why did i have to go through all of that? there are questions i guess that can never be answered. and for me... time is standing still... it is December 1st... but it feels like September 4th over and over again in my mind. i am stuck on that day, and i cant seem to get away from it. no matter how well my life is going, and how happy i am, when i lay my head down at night... all i think about is my precious baby boy Landon, how much i love him, and wish he was still here. I can't believe Jeremiah never once loved him, it is so unreal to think that he didn't. I have this love for Landon that is just unreal and absolutely can't be replaced... and Jeremiah never even loved him at all. He never cared about him, and never wanted to see him. I guess that is dumb for me to care about, but... he didn't even think one good thought about our baby boy. I guess i should say MY baby boy, gosh i miss him so much. i want him here, i want to hold him again and look at his cute little face, with that top lip that stuck out =( maybe i do talk about it too much, and maybe i do make myself miserable... but, Landon is something i will think about everyday for the rest of my life, and something I always want to take time to remember. I love him.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

So here I am, yet again. It is now a new year, another year for me to better myself and become the person I strive so hard every day to be. The last few years of my life, I have not been the person I wanted to be, or even made an effort at it. Sometimes, it takes something drastic to make you want to change, and that something drastic happened to me in this last year. I saw my life flash before my eyes. I held my beautiful baby boy as he died. I hurt my parents. I learned to love like never before. It is all so crazy. When you are 19, in college, living it up.. you think you are invincible, you never see these things coming at you. You never know what is going to happen. Bad things just don't happen when you are my age... wrong... they do. They happen to people like me and you everyday, and they wake us up and make us realize that it's not too late to turn your life around. I have made an absolute turn around in my life. I am starting to take life seriously, grow up, cherish my friends and family, make memories that i can actually remember, enjoy nature - the beautiful sunsets and stars, and most of all love the life that i have so graciously been blessed with. I do not deserve everything that I have been given. I have not been the Christian that I know how to be. But, my God is a forgiving one. Some days I hate waking up and being me, but like they always say... someone else has it worse than you do. That is very true. So... for this NEW YEAR of 2007 I will... -get focused on school -work on my relationship with God -learn how to be a better daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend -be sure to let everyone know how much i care for them -not do things that i really don't want to just because someone else wants me to -learn how to get mad and not be such a pushover -not get my feelings hurt over silly things

Heeeey Jealousyyy

To me... the title of this post says it all. Not to get too personal on you... but going to the gyno for a pap smear is a bad day in itself. Today I had my first visit with my new gyno in Missouri, and she was a very pleasant lady. I have absolutely no complaints... but the first visit to a new doctor sucks.

The first and most dreaded question they usually ask... do you have any children? "No... well yes... but..." is how I always start my answer. My emotions kick in... and I tell them about my sweet Landon and how I lost him. It is like pouring salt in open wounds when I take myself back to the story of how I lost him...

So I am already emotional from that one question, and then comes the next question... it may not seem like much to you, but it kills me. Do you have any other medical problems that we should know about? Oh, well you just let me get out my notebook full of medical issues so I can read them to you! By the end of answering all of the questions about what is wrong with me... I am a basket case.

The doctor asks me then if I have any concerns that I want her to address. Besides my uncontrollable crying when someone asks me about my medical history... how about we work on getting me pregnant! Pregnant... that is a happy word that I would like to be able to describe myself with one day soon. Her answer to my pregnancy question was not what I wanted to hear.

"Slow down, you just had a stroke. You need time to recover... and you need to see a high risk doctor. Then they can talk about getting you changed over to lovenox shots, and then possibly getting pregnant."

Emotions flooded over me... not what I wanted to hear. I want a baby... I want to be a mother to a child here on Earth. Call me selfish... call me crazy... but I want to be pregnant. I want to prove to myself and everyone else that I am a good mother. I would have done anything to save my son and have him here with me.
 
There are lots of things that have started going through my head the last few weeks... and lots of news from people that I care about that made me sad when I should have been happy. I have come to the realization that I am fighting a case of jealousy. That's right... I am jealous. I will be the first to say it... although I am sure that everyone has been thinking it.

My husband tried to make Valentine's Day this year as special as he could even though I had to work. He has always made such a big deal out of that holiday for us, and he always treats me like a queen. This year... I ruined it for him... I came home crying with a case of jealousy.

There is nothing that I want more than for my friends and family to be happy... but can't I be happy too? Can I get a turn for once? It seems like so much bad is always thrown in my face... and I am tired of it. I am tired of having to put a fake smile on my face all the time. I am tired of acting like I am happy for other people, when I am really just jealous.

I want my turn...and I want it to be good for once. :(

I was so close... now I am so far away

One of my biggest dreams when I was a kid was to become a mom. I always had that motherly instinct, and was good with babies. Some of my parents friends had babies when I was a little older, and I couldn't get enough of them. I wagged around the babies at my church growing up, and just knew that as soon as I was old enough I would have one (or several) of my own.

Unplanned and unready, that dream almost came true over six years ago. I was carrying a perfect baby boy. My worst nightmare came true one day when I had to tell him goodbye way too soon. Before he could even take a breath on his own he was gone. I stayed depressed for months... until I met my sweet husband. He got me out of the rut and gave me hope for our future. We both wanted a family, and when the time was right we would start trying. That time to me was as soon as we got married... but to him it was when we were finally stable. I understood his reasons so I reluctantly gave in to his plan.

I then talked him in to the philosophy of "when it happens... it happens." I just knew that it would be sooner than later... but here we are almost 5 years later and NOTHING. We know that I am capable of getting pregnant... and we know why my last pregnancy ended the way it did (due to my blood condition that we now know how to treat). Josh decided it was time to go check on his swimmers and see if things were working right.

After the initial results of his sperm count, I was devastated. It seemed impossible that we could get pregnant without costly IVF. Josh was then referred to a specialist. The Dr. didn't tell us during the first visit what kind of chances we had, but wanted to do more tests. This week a biopsy was done to do some more tests to see if things are working "down yonder" like they are supposed to.

Next week we go to get the results and hopefully learn if we will be able to have kids of our own. As selfish as this sounds... I want my own children. I am willing to adopt... and in fact I want to adopt one child in addition to having one of my own.  I guess I want to have my own child because of the failure I was previously with Landon. I want to be pregnant again... and have those kicks from the inside. I want the excitement and the sleepless nights.... and I feel like I will never get that.

Friends, please pray for me and my husband as we get our results next week. I am hoping for the best, but prepared for the worse. I just don't want my husband's heart to be broken... and I am afraid that might be what happens.

Stroke at 25 - Updates!

On November 15th I woke up when my husband did for work and went to the bathroom, but my body felt like it just wouldn't go. I finally got back in bed and told my husband, then without thinking much of it I drifted back to sleep I went to school and sat through class, then went to my next class where I took a written test. About half way through my hand got extremely exhausted and my perfect handwriting looked like scribbles. I kept erasing and rewriting, thinking that maybe I was just rushing, but it kept getting worse. I finally turned in my messy test very frustrated with myself. I then went to spend time with a friend and her kids and was overcome by more exhaustion. I went home and headed to bed pretty early that night. I woke up the next morning and my entire left side was weak. I felt weird and immediately became scared. I called my mom and told her how I was feeling, then my dad. I then called the doctor and was told that the symptoms I had were stroke symptoms and to get to the nearest ER. I called my husband and he was too far away to get me to the hospital fast enough, so I finally decided to text my boss who had some experience in health care. She dropped all that she was doing and came to my house. She had to help me put my socks and shoes on, as I couldn't even do that. She took my BP and then loaded me up in her car. My speech was slurred, and I had a facial droop.

Shortly after my husband arrived, and the tests on me had already begun. They set up a live video feed with a neurologist in Dallas, Texas to assess me. Really, a neurologist? That is when I really began to freak out. I was then told they were waiting for an open bed at the hospital in Springfield so they could transport me there to see better doctors.

A few hours later I arrived via ambulance to Mercy in Springfield, where I met my neurologist on the "Stroke Center". Wait what happened? Later that evening I had an MRI and an MRA (which by the way is the worst kind of torture... I had a melt down and the panic button was unhooked!) which confirmed the worst. I had an ischemic stroke. A full on stroke... at 25 years old.

The next day after tons of tests we found out that a vessel off of the carotid artery in my neck clotted and caused the stroke. This was due to an antibody found in my blood called "lupus anticoagulant". Before you make an assumption, this is not lupus... just the name of the antibody, however, I am being checked further for lupus.

I finally got a shower that Saturday morning, and that is when I realized how bad it was. I couldn't do it alone... my husband had to help me. I went from being a very independent person, to being dependent on my husband to help me bathe myself. After my shower I realized I couldn't fix my hair, or brush my teeth or put lotion on my legs. I became extremely discouraged, but I was reminded that my husband and family was there to do anything they could.

I began physical therapy in the hospital, and my leg got back to normal while I was in there, and my arm regained strength. My left hand just wouldn't cooperate. It did get better, but is still giving me lots of trouble... even now as I type this. I really type slow now... ugh.

So what have I learned from this? Don't take the simple things in life for granted. I got joy yesterday from just being able to fix my hair on my own.

I keep wondering... why me? I can't answer that yet, but maybe one day I can. I have aspirations of becoming a teacher and don't have much school left, but how could I do that with a bum hand? Now it is on to more therapy and prayers that I will be back to myself again.

My name is Emily. I am 25, and I am a stroke victim.









Don't let symptoms go unnoticed like I did. I did not think that a stroke was even a possibility at my age, and I wish I would have acted sooner.




UPDATE:
I have been diagnosed with a lupus disorder called antiphospholipid syndrome. This causes blood to clot more easily. When I got this diagnosis, I started doing some research and searched the terms "preeclampsia and antiphospholipid syndrome". Come to find out there have been studies done on the relation of these two. I feel as if I finally have some answers about the loss of my son... but I also have some angry feelings towards the doctors I was seeing at the time. Why was I not tested for this blood disorder while I was pregnant? Such tests were done regularly at that time, and if it had been done I would have found out about it then and not lost the one thing that is so precious to me. I would also most likely not have had a stroke... but all of those things happened and I just have to deal with it.

The future for me is a lifetime on blood thinners and regular doctor visits with my primary care physician, hematologist, rheumatologist, and neurologist. When it comes time to try for a child again I will be on injections to reduce the risk of clotting during pregnancy. I am terrified about what the future holds, but I am thankful that I have some answers and a little bit of peace.