Josh has been deployed since early January of this year. It has been one of the most difficult things I have ever dealt with in my life. I have depended on him for EVERYTHING since we have been together in 2006. He has been my source of happiness and stability for all the changes in my life... until this year. He was in the military before we got together, and plans to stay in until he can retire. Can I really handle this life for 20+ years?!!?
So, being the new and improved Emily that I am, I have learned so much about myself. I can keep my house just as clean as I did when Josh was here... without his help, I am a lot less scatter brained than I've always thought I was, I can remember to pay the rent, student loans, car insurance, credit card bills, water bill, electric bill, cell bill, cable bill etc., on time without all the reminding I previously thought I needed. Yes, I am now an independent creature... except for every single day when I depend on my Heavenly Father above to walk me through daily life.
I have learned that it is not important to become an "independent" person like everyone has told me since my husband has been gone, yet it is important to become dependent on God. I have struggled with the concept... we are taught to be self sufficient and not to rely on others, but how would your life be if you didn't depend on God? Well, I can tell you how it will be... it will be a life full of trials and tribulations, you will get angry and wonder "Why me?" about everything in your life. When something good comes along you will not be thanking God for it, but patting yourself on the back. As a Christian, this is not how you should live your life, and I have learned that over the last several months. In Sunday school a few weeks ago, we studied the scripture of John chapter 9, about Jesus healing the man that was born blind. I have been just stuck on this story. I know this is a story I heard when I was younger... but until a few weeks ago, I did not get the true meaning behind it. The disciples wanted to know who sinned in order for this man to be blind. When Jesus states that no one has sinned to make this happen, but is just something that happened in the mans life, it makes you look at the world a little differently. Bad things don't happen to us just because we are sinners. There is something more that God wants us to get out of our problems. He is wanting to put faith in Him that there is a bigger picture. He is teaching us something.
In 2006, I got pregnant and had to tell my parents what no 18 year old, unmarried girl wants to share. I had already decided that no matter what I was going to keep the baby, but I did not know how may parents were going to react to what I had to tell them. They were not elated, or proud, or happy... but they accepted me and what I had done. They loved me and tried to help me in any way possible. I moved from my college dorm room to my parents' new house. They got all the things ready for a new baby, a crib, stroller, car seat, clothes and other things. They did this out of love for me.
During my pregnancy, in the 6th month I fell very ill. My blood pressure was extremely high, and I was swelling significantly. I went to the doctor and was admitted to the hospital shortly after my arrival. Over night, my condition worsened. I was air lifted from Mayfield, KY to Louisville, KY so that I could be under the care of a high risk pregnancy doctor.
Upon my arrival at Norton's Hospital I was told that I had preeclampsia, which is a condition that can only be resolved by giving birth. Initially, they thought by keeping me on bed rest for a few months, I could stay there and deliver the baby when he was healthy enough. After several hours and tests later, the doctor determined that if something was not done immediately, my life would be in significant danger. At that time it was decided that I would be induced. I was on so much medication that I did not really understand what was going on. After a long hospital stay, and many tears... I was going home empty handed.
I gave birth to my son, Landon James Stephens, on September 4, 2006. He was 12 inches long and weighed a little less than a pound. I wanted to know why God was punishing me. Was it because I had been having sex out of wedlock? Was it because when I first became pregnant the thought of abortion ran through my head? Why me God? It was not for any of these reasons that Landon was taken from me. It was instead to show me something in the long run.
Not all of the reasons for this happening have been revealed to me yet, but I know the Lord loves me, and He did not do this to punish me, or hurt me. Instead He had other plans for my life. I have talked to so many girls that have had similar things happen to them, I have tried to make their experience be less painful and let them know someone else has gone through the same thing. Maybe that's why it happened. Maybe I needed Landon to be my angel right now, and later I can have a baby. I still don't know all the answers, but I do know that God has blessed me and put me in a wonderful place in my life. I am so thankful for my husband and for all the other people He has surrounded me with.
God always has something to show you, and it may take you years to figure out what that is, but being angry with God for something going wrong in your life is not helping anything. We are very loved by the Father. Each and every one of us. I know that I am strong enough to face whatever the devil throws in my face because I know that I have Jesus on my side. We aren't being punished... but maybe we are being tested? I know that God is an awesome teacher, and in just the last few weeks I have learned so much.
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