photography project

Since it is Pregnancy/Infancy Loss awareness month, my friend Krystal is taking part in a photography project. Here is the link to her blog post about this - http://kdforgey.blogspot.com/2012/10/capture-your-grief-2012.html . The guidelines for this project can be found at: http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html

 

I have also decided to take part in this project. I want to provide my thought and feelings from before, during, and after my loss.
Day 1 is to take a picture of the sunrise. I just read Krystal's blog post this afternoon, so I will post my sunrise tomorrow morning.

Day 2 - before loss self portrait

This is the last time I can remember living a care-free fun life. I was just finishing up my freshman year of college at Murray State University. I was pregnant in this picture, but had no idea. I had plans that summer to move in with my friend Laura and party all the time. My plans soon changed when I found out several weeks later that I was 3 months pregnant. My whole world was  flipped upside down... twice.

Since it is so late in the day, I am going to go ahead and do my photo for day 3!

Day 3 - after loss self portrait

This photo was taken about a month after I came home from the hospital. I was very very sick and had to stay in the bed for several weeks, so the first thing I did was make an appointment at the salon to make a drastic change. I didn't want to be the person I was before I lost Landon. I had all of my hair chopped off and dyed back blonde. The sparkle is gone from my eye, and all I could feel was sadness.

Day 4 - Treasured Item

 

This is the tiny hat my sweet Landon wore in the hospital. It is the same hat that he is wearing in the only photos I have of him. It reminds me of how little he was, how innocent he was... I keep all of his things in a memory box (in the background of the photo), but his little hat is what I treasure the most.

Day 5 - Memorial

 

I was so very sick after I had Landon that we weren't able to have a funeral for my son. He was buried at a memorial garden in Louisville, Kentucky, where he was born. There is an area within the memorial garden just for angel babies. I am not nearly as strong as some of my friends that have lost babies are... I have never been able to take myself to that place. My dad and step mom have been to visit and say it is an absolutely beautiful place for baby Landon to be laid to rest. So... since I don't have a picture of that, I will show you my own personal memorial. I got a tattoo a year after I lost Landon.

Day 6 - What Not to Say

Sometimes people just have diarrhea of the mouth and say things with good intentions, but hours later when you are alone... you just cry. I know that saying things like... "it was just God's will" may be good for some people to hear. For me, it just makes me struggle with my faith. I know that God doesn't want bad things to happen to people, and when someone says something like that... It just makes me think that God did that to me intentionally to break me down. 

I don't want to hear that he is probably in a better place... in my arms would be a lot better to me. 

If there was something wrong with him I could deal with that... him being gone is so much harder to handle. 

I may have not been married, but I was ready for my son! I made tons of sacrifices to be sure he was going to have the best life possible.

Any time you are pregnant, you are far enough along to be sad/upset about your loss. I was 26 weeks pregnant when I gave birth to my son... my perfect son with all his precious little fingers and toes... and the cutest little mouth you ever did see. He was perfection and he was my son!

Day 7 - What to Say

 

Don't be afraid to talk about him... don't be scared to think about him. I am still a mother, and sometimes I need the people close to me to remind me of that. Say his name... say that sweet baby's name. I don't want his memory to go away. I want my family to remember him and love him and think of him as one of their family members that they lost.  

Day 8 - Jewelry

 *I knew there would be a few days in this project I wouldn't be able to participate in. I never received or had any jewelry made in memory of Landon. It isn't that I don't want anything, I just have never gotten anything. Maybe one day soon I will find that perfect thing that reminds me of him and I will get it.

Day 9 - Special Place

My special place is with my family... specifically with my dad. He was the person that I could count on to be there for me through my loss, and he was the one that showed the most compassion and concern when I lost Landon. He is the only person that still talks about him, and he usually sends me a mother's day card to remind me that I am a mother... the mother to his one and only grandson. My dad longs for grandchildren that he can spoil and watch grow up... but he had to give Landon away as soon as he got to meet him.

Day 10 - Symbol

 

Balloons have come to mean so much to me. I went to my first balloon release last October. I wasn't really sure what the experience would be like... if there would be sobbing parents and grandparents, or if anyone would even show up. This was the first balloon release ever done in the area where we lived. I went to the park where the release was being held... alone. I'm not even sure if I told my family I was going, and my husband was overseas on a deployment at the time. I walked up and sat on one of the picnic tables. Everyone was chatting with one another... like it was a happy time. My friend that invited me to the release came and handed me a pen and a square of paper. She said that I could write a message to Landon and attach it to the balloon before releasing it. I sat there and thought... if only balloons would make it to heaven so that my little boy would know how much I love him. I wrote a short sweet message... "Mommy misses you. It is lonely here without you. I can't wait until I am able to hold you in my arms again. Love you to the moon and back." I can only hope he knows how much I love him. Ever since the release, when I see a balloon floating away in the sky I think of Landon. 

Day 11 - Supportive Friends/Family

My husband gets the #1 award for most supportive family member. If you haven't figured it out by now... Josh  is not Landon's dad. It takes a very compassionate and strong individual to deal with the situation I have put him in. I am so grateful every day that I was blessed with such an amazing person. He swept me off my feet when I was more broken than I have ever been in my life. He brought joy back to me when I never thought that would happen. He has listened to me cry myself to sleep and comforted me when he could. There just aren't words to describe what he has done for me and what he continues to do for me every day. He deals with my crazy rants and rages about my son being taken away... he empathizes with me. He tries to understand what I am going through, and he never says anything about the amount of time it is taking me to heal. For six years he has stood by me... and he reminds me that he will never forget Landon. He can't wait until he can meet him one day in heaven... and he says he will love him like his own. How did I get so lucky?!

 

I had my very close group of friends that were also there for me during the roughest, toughest time of my life. Friends that were unfailing... and did not judge me. Friends that came to sit with me in the hospital, and after I came home. You all hold a very special place in my heart, and I thank all of you so much for the support you gave me then, and since. There are also friends that I have made because of the loss of my son. I have reached out to people that lost babies, and people have reached out to me. It is amazing what this little baby has done in my life. I never knew that so many people were hurting like me until I started sharing my story. I never wish this upon anyone, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone in this journey. The photo project is definitely showing me that.  

Day 12 - Scents

I am not taking a picture for this one... but there is one scent that stands out to me. It reminds me of my pregnancy... when Landon was alive. I was getting breakfast with my dad one morning at a local restaurant. He had picked up a few groceries before that and put them in my car for me to take home. When we got done with breakfast and I was leaving the parking lot, I was overcome with sickness. He had bought a bag of whole coffee beans, and as they sat in the sun in my car the aroma had become very strong. Normally this wouldn't have been a problem, because I loved the smell of coffee. I started throwing up and never thought I was going to make it back to the house. The smell of coffee still makes me gag, but I don't mind... as it reminds me of a time when I had my baby boy in my belly. 

Day 13 - Signs

I feel as if anything good that happens to me is a gift from God.. and my son. Every time I feel the warm sun on my skin, I think of him. Every time I feel the wind blow, I think of him. Every time I hear it thunder or rain... I think of what he may be doing up in heaven to cause all of that commotion. All the beauty of the world around me reminds me of him. 

Day 14 - Community

I don't have a photo of an event that I have attended, but I do have a photo of myself and a very dear friend that I met at an event. Her name is Randi, and we comfort each other, and remind one another that our boys are in the arms of God. She makes me feel not so "crazy" anymore, and she understands what I went through and what I am still going through. We are in this together, and we will be lifetime friends. Our sons definitely brought us together, and I am so happy to call her my friend.

Day 15 - Wave of Light

 

These are just a few of the candles that were lit in memory of Landon James Stephens. I am so blessed to have so many people that care about him and me. The first candle is the one I lit at work. My day was hectic with school and I had forgotten about the candle lighting until I was already at work. My coworkers found a candle for me and we placed it in the restaurant and let it burn until the flame went out. I told them all about what it was for and what it meant to me. The last photo is the one that my husband lit at our house. I am so thankful he loves Landon and supports me in any way he can. 

Day 16 - Release

As you can tell... I took this project day by day and did not read ahead. Please refer back to day 10. I have only done one official balloon release, but I send him balloons every so often. It doesn't have to be a special occasion, just when I am thinking of him. I can't believe how much time has passed since I saw his sweet face. 

Day 17 - Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates

Landon was born an angel on September 4, 2006. Every year on his birthday, I lay in bed a little extra in the morning and sob, but I have learned that my life must go on. My dad shares the same birthday... and that is very special to him. He always remembers to say something about his grandson. I usually have friends that text me and wish Landon a happy birthday and tell me they are thinking of me. I have tried to make my life as normal as possible after losing Landon, but I always have him on my mind.

  Day 18, 19, 20, 21

These days aren't really ones that I want to participate in. I am Landon's family. His father was uninvolved and never saw him. I was his mother, and I was the only person that wanted him. He got taken from me... and for what reason I will never know. I haven't done a project, donated to a charity, or have an altar or special place for him other than my heart. 

Day 22 - Place of Care/Birth

I was taken care of at Norton's Hospital in Louisville, Kentucky. No pictures were taken of me in the hospital, as I was very sick. The doctors weren't sure if I would make it or not. My story is not a happy one, I did not have a supportive husband there by my side, rather I had sad parents that almost watched their daughter slip away from them. It was a very somber time, and no one knew what the outcome would be. My doctors and nurses at the hospital did the best they could to save Landon, but their efforts failed... and they could only save me.  

Day 23 - Their Name/Photo

Here he is world... Landon James Stephens. He was so tiny, and so precious. What I would do to have him back in my arms right now. :( Sorry if this photo is offensive to you, but I think it is important for people to understand that he was real and that 26 weeks isn't just "kinda pregnant". I had a living being inside of me that was my son... a child that my parents and I got to hold and love on. 

Day 24 is a day that I wish I could take part in. Landon doesn't have any brothers or sisters... my husband and I have been trying for children, but due to some fertility issues we don't know that we will be able to conceive. I am sad to know that I may never had a child other than Landon... I may never have a baby I get to watch grow up and hold in my arms at night until they fall asleep. I may miss out on all of those things, and that deeply saddens me. I do know that God does perform miracles, and one might happen to us, and that is why I continue to pray for something such as that to happen.

Day 25  Baby shower- I didn't have a baby shower, as I gave birth to Landon at 26 weeks. My family was sure to get rid of the remnants of any baby items so that I wouldn't have to deal with it when I got home. I myself do not think that was the best way to handle things necessarily, but my family was truly just thinking of me and wanted to make things easier. I know that my dad hung on to a few items that he purchased... such as a University of Kentucky outfit bought just for Landon.

Day 26 Age-

 I was 26 weeks gestation when I lost Landon, but I still keep up with his "age", just as I would if he were here today. September 4 marked his 6th birthday. I know his birthday in heaven was spectacular. :)

Day 27 - Artwork -  

I don't have anything for this day either... but I do like to use art and painting as an outlet for my pain and grief.

Day 28 - Memory 

  I don't have many good memories from this journey... mostly painful, sad memories. The most significant to me in this process was the first day I went back to the doctor after I came home from the hospital after losing Landon. I was walking up to the door... alone and scared of what was to come. I saw a lady about 6 or 7 months pregnant... about like I had been just a few weeks before. She was sitting on a bench outside puffing on a cigarette. An indescribable anger took over my body. I was not one to speak my mind to a stranger, but I had to let her know how wrong she was for treating her unborn child like that. I told her of my loss and what I had just gone through... and I hadn't been smoking or hurting my son in any way. I was so angry with her and could not understand why someone would do something like that. She looked at me like I was crazy and took a drag. That image sticks in my head and will never go away... people that don't care about their children can have perfectly healthy babies, and someone like me that did everything right can have something horrific happen. 

I am going to skip day 29... just because that is something very personal to me that probably wouldn't make a whole lot of sense to anyone else.

Day 30 -  Tell the World

I think the main thing that I want people to know is that I am a mom, and I take offense to anyone telling me that I am not, or forgetting that about me. Some of my very close friends and family members seem to overlook that about me, and it can be very hurtful. I carried Landon for over 6 months and went through child birth, held him, loved him, buried him, and grieved him. After 6 years I haven't forgotten...and things aren't any less sad. People tell me that I need to move on.. that it happened years ago and I shouldn't still be upset about it. Well, that isn't for you or anyone else to decide but me, and I will always be upset about it. Anytime I meet a child named Landon, tears well up in my eyes. Every time I see on facebook that one of my friends gave birth to a healthy baby, a tinge of jealousy creeps up. I don't want the rest of my life to be like that, but it will be. Landon was and still is a huge part of my life, whether he is here or not.