This week as I have looked at the news feed on Facebook, I have seen tons of pictures of kids going to their first day of school. They are so cute, and the parents are sad to let them leave the house for that new chapter of their life. All of this leads me to think about Landon, and how I would be feeling this morning as school starts in the town where I live.
It would be his first day of kindergarten. Would I cry when I leave him all alone in a class full of other children he doesn't know? Would he cry and not want his mommy to leave him there? I know it would be hard to leave someone I love so much in the care of someone else, not knowing what the day would bring for my little one.
These are things that I will never know. Things that I must miss out in in life because he was taken from me. I never got to see any of Landon's firsts. His first breath... no. His first word... no. His first time to roll over...no. His first steps...no. His first birthday...no. His first time to spend all night away from home...no. His first time to see the ocean and feel the wind on his face...no. His first time to tell me he loves me...no. None of these things... and especially not his first day of kindergarten. I feel robbed and broken just thinking about it. I feel like a failure.. like I couldn't even keep my son alive to experience all of these things, so he was taken from me.
I know that my way of thinking is a little over the top right now, but losing your child is a little over the top. I didn't realize at first how much he was going to impact my life... that itty bitty bundle of joy that was handed to me, lifeless. Everyday something comes along and makes me think of him. Often times these days, it is when I see a little boy about his age, and I think to myself...what would Landon look like? Would he have my crazy personality?
There are reminders of my missing son everywhere. I don't have to see the tattoo on my ankle to remember... often times I remember and then look at the tattoo.. at his actual foot prints. Sometimes that is the only thing that brings it all together and makes it real.
So my son... he doesn't get to go to school today, or ever. What a painful truth...
I am having those thoughts this week as well, but mine are coupled with sending one off to kindergarten while knowing that my Wyatt will never get that chance. Lyla starts on Friday, and I will be out in search of a job on Friday...I can't imagine being at home alone all day knowing that I don't have either child to care for every minute of every day. Thinking of you this week...and every week to come that brings about hard realities. <3
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