One of my biggest dreams when I was a kid was to become a mom. I always had that motherly instinct, and was good with babies. Some of my parents friends had babies when I was a little older, and I couldn't get enough of them. I wagged around the babies at my church growing up, and just knew that as soon as I was old enough I would have one (or several) of my own.
Unplanned and unready, that dream almost came true over six years ago. I was carrying a perfect baby boy. My worst nightmare came true one day when I had to tell him goodbye way too soon. Before he could even take a breath on his own he was gone. I stayed depressed for months... until I met my sweet husband. He got me out of the rut and gave me hope for our future. We both wanted a family, and when the time was right we would start trying. That time to me was as soon as we got married... but to him it was when we were finally stable. I understood his reasons so I reluctantly gave in to his plan.
I then talked him in to the philosophy of "when it happens... it happens." I just knew that it would be sooner than later... but here we are almost 5 years later and NOTHING. We know that I am capable of getting pregnant... and we know why my last pregnancy ended the way it did (due to my blood condition that we now know how to treat). Josh decided it was time to go check on his swimmers and see if things were working right.
After the initial results of his sperm count, I was devastated. It seemed impossible that we could get pregnant without costly IVF. Josh was then referred to a specialist. The Dr. didn't tell us during the first visit what kind of chances we had, but wanted to do more tests. This week a biopsy was done to do some more tests to see if things are working "down yonder" like they are supposed to.
Next week we go to get the results and hopefully learn if we will be able to have kids of our own. As selfish as this sounds... I want my own children. I am willing to adopt... and in fact I want to adopt one child in addition to having one of my own. I guess I want to have my own child because of the failure I was previously with Landon. I want to be pregnant again... and have those kicks from the inside. I want the excitement and the sleepless nights.... and I feel like I will never get that.
Friends, please pray for me and my husband as we get our results next week. I am hoping for the best, but prepared for the worse. I just don't want my husband's heart to be broken... and I am afraid that might be what happens.
Always in my prayers, sweet Emily.
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