Heeeey Jealousyyy

To me... the title of this post says it all. Not to get too personal on you... but going to the gyno for a pap smear is a bad day in itself. Today I had my first visit with my new gyno in Missouri, and she was a very pleasant lady. I have absolutely no complaints... but the first visit to a new doctor sucks.

The first and most dreaded question they usually ask... do you have any children? "No... well yes... but..." is how I always start my answer. My emotions kick in... and I tell them about my sweet Landon and how I lost him. It is like pouring salt in open wounds when I take myself back to the story of how I lost him...

So I am already emotional from that one question, and then comes the next question... it may not seem like much to you, but it kills me. Do you have any other medical problems that we should know about? Oh, well you just let me get out my notebook full of medical issues so I can read them to you! By the end of answering all of the questions about what is wrong with me... I am a basket case.

The doctor asks me then if I have any concerns that I want her to address. Besides my uncontrollable crying when someone asks me about my medical history... how about we work on getting me pregnant! Pregnant... that is a happy word that I would like to be able to describe myself with one day soon. Her answer to my pregnancy question was not what I wanted to hear.

"Slow down, you just had a stroke. You need time to recover... and you need to see a high risk doctor. Then they can talk about getting you changed over to lovenox shots, and then possibly getting pregnant."

Emotions flooded over me... not what I wanted to hear. I want a baby... I want to be a mother to a child here on Earth. Call me selfish... call me crazy... but I want to be pregnant. I want to prove to myself and everyone else that I am a good mother. I would have done anything to save my son and have him here with me.
 
There are lots of things that have started going through my head the last few weeks... and lots of news from people that I care about that made me sad when I should have been happy. I have come to the realization that I am fighting a case of jealousy. That's right... I am jealous. I will be the first to say it... although I am sure that everyone has been thinking it.

My husband tried to make Valentine's Day this year as special as he could even though I had to work. He has always made such a big deal out of that holiday for us, and he always treats me like a queen. This year... I ruined it for him... I came home crying with a case of jealousy.

There is nothing that I want more than for my friends and family to be happy... but can't I be happy too? Can I get a turn for once? It seems like so much bad is always thrown in my face... and I am tired of it. I am tired of having to put a fake smile on my face all the time. I am tired of acting like I am happy for other people, when I am really just jealous.

I want my turn...and I want it to be good for once. :(