Reminiscing

I happened to think about my "blog" before there were blogs... my Xanga account that I had in high school and college. I decided to look and reminisce on old times... but I forgot that I posted some things during and right after my pregnancy with Landon. I will share with you my thoughts as a 19 year old soon to be mom/no longer a mom self.

Monday, August 28, 2006

So... it has been over 6 months since I posted anything in here. It's not like anyone reads this anyway, it is more or less a way for me to keep up with my ever changing life. Soooo much has changed since i last wrote in here. My care free attitude is gone, and now... i have so much to worry about. My plans of being able to get an apartment or house in Murray got shot down. I moved in with my dad... which has been really weird. We moved into a new house a couple of weeks ago though.. so that has been really nice. But really... none of this is important right now. What's important is the fact that i found out... in January... I'm gonna be a mom to a baby boy. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my entire life. Honestly. I sit and wonder how i will ever survive, how i will ever make it, and how i will be able to provide for this little life I'm bringing into the world. I am having to do this all on my own to. The father pretty much said screw you, wanted me to get an abortion... and i did what i knew was best. I am keeping this little bundle of joy and i am going to try and make him have the best life in the world. I just hope that he has as much love and opportunity in his life as i did. I hope i can give him everything that i wish i had had when i was growing up.So please, pray for me!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

so this isn't something that makes me happy, or something i like talking about, but the more i talk about, maybe the more i will heal. The past month of my life has been out of control. I am still waiting to wake up from a really bad dream. It is almost as if none of this can be real at all. On Thursday August 31st I woke up knowing something wasn't right with my body. I was so swollen, my face, my ankles, my feet, and even my hands felt as if they would bust open any minute. I told my parents I knew something was wrong, yet I went to my classes on campus from 8 that morning until 5:30 that night. My step mom called the doctor and told her what was going on with me, they said the swelling was normal, something that a lot of pregnant women deal with, just as long as my blood pressure didn't get high. That night my blood pressure was checked several times, and every time it was sky high. The next day I called my doctor while i was at work and told her i was concerned about everything, and she told me to come in as quickly as i could to see her. That morning she admitted me to the hospital, for what i thought was just going to be routine monitoring. The doctor came in later that day and told me that i would most likely be on bed rest until the baby was born, but that i didn't have anything to worry about. They wanted to keep me overnight to monitor some more things and then i would be free to go home the next day and take it easy. Well, bright and early the next morning Dr. Wynstra came in my room and he told me that I would be flown via helicopter to Norton's hospital in Louisville, Ky. There was a doctor there whom was known for his work with high risk pregnancy patients. I was told that Dr. Pietrantoni (Dr. P) would take very good care of me and make the rest of my pregnancy as good as possible. Little did i know that things were getting worse and worse by the minute. I was flown to Owensboro where we had to land due to the weather that morning and then transported the rest of the way in an ambulance to the hospital. The flight nurses took awesome care of me and tried to keep me comfortable. When i arrived at the hospital my brother was there along with my aunt. I felt much better knowing that i wasn't there alone. My parents arrived shortly after. I had an ultrasound done when i got there, and my little baby boy looked perfect as usual. All his parts were there and working, and he was moving around like crazy. It made me so happy to see him on that screen, but little did i know what would happen next. That afternoon, I met Dr. P for the first time. He told me i had some serious decisions to make. If i were to go ahead and try to keep the baby in me to grow for a couple more weeks where he would have a chance of survival, i would not only risk his life, but my own. His chances of survival were very very low, and even if he did survive he would most likely have a serious birth defect or other health problems for the rest of his life. I had the decision to try and wait out the pregnancy as long as possible, or to go ahead and terminate to have a better chance at saving my own life. I wasn't really aware of what was going on at this point. I then asked my dad if all of this was really happening. He held my hand and said he was afraid so. That was the most difficult news i had ever heard in my life. How could i make a decision like that? Soon enough... there was no decision to make. My life was in jeopardy. As i lay there, my blood pressure continued to rise, I was retaining more fluid, and my kidneys were no longer functioning as they should and were shutting down. The doctors said at that point, i was their patient and it was their job to save me. Not until later did i realize i was in a life or death situation. Dr. P told me i was fighting extremely hard to hang on. He told my family i was a trooper, that i was strong, and if i hadn't been, i wouldn't have made it. On Sunday Sept. 3, they began to induce labor. Later that night i received an epidural pump, and then on Monday they had to give me stronger medicine to make the contractions increase. Soon after, I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy i have ever seen, Landon James Stephens. You cannot even imagine just how beautiful he was. He weighed only 12 ounces, and yet made me feel the most love i have ever felt for anyone. It was such a shame to know i would come home empty handed. He was too small to make it. I'm not sure if he ever even breathed one breath of air... but i know now that he will never suffer, and that he is in heaven. I miss him so much. It is so weird to reach down and feel my belly and think that he isn't there anymore. I don't ever want to forget about him, because he has been such a big part of my life, the part where i grew up and realized what was important. It really does hurt to talk about everything.. but i never want people to forget him. My family has really been struggling along with me, and people keep telling me that I'm so strong, but... it is all a front i have put on... I'm not any stronger than anyone else is. I am just waiting to break down and crash one day. My tears never end, and every day i feel so much pain in my heart. What once was something i really didn't want, became the one thing i wanted very much... and that was the chance to be a good mom to my little baby boy, and now i never get that chance. I can't help but wonder what he would have been like if i had him a couple of months from now. What kind of joy would he have brought to my life? I will never know, but i do hope that i will meet him in heaven one day and see what he is like. The doctors told me if i ever got pregnant again, there would be a 70-80% chance that i would have the same complications. It makes me wonder if it will ever be worth it, but... one day i hope so. I want to get the chance to SHOW just as much love to a baby as i have FELT for Landon. Landon James Stephens Born: September 4, 2006 Died: September 4, 2006 You will be in my heart forever. I love you. The earth hath no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

	is it time for me to break down yet? am i allowed to do that now? i am so scared that when i finally do i will never get back up, and i will never be myself again. maybe i am already not myself? i feel so different. my smile was real... now, look at me.. who am i? what am i doing here? i guess its all not so bad. i make things out to be worse than they are.

Friday, December 01, 2006

i have always felt that it is important to share your life story. my life story is a crazy one. i look back at all these entries i have made over these past few years. my how things change. i never thought that i would have been through some of the things i have, seen soo much, and been hurt so badly. i never dreamed my life would be like this, not in a million years. yet, i see how God blesses me everyday. he blesses me with the gift of life, and he keeps me safe, and for the most part healthy. sometimes i wonder how i will make it to the next day, and sometimes i wonder if i do want to make it to the next day. my little bundle of joy was stolen out of my hands, his life taken from me, and... for what? why did i have to go through all of that? there are questions i guess that can never be answered. and for me... time is standing still... it is December 1st... but it feels like September 4th over and over again in my mind. i am stuck on that day, and i cant seem to get away from it. no matter how well my life is going, and how happy i am, when i lay my head down at night... all i think about is my precious baby boy Landon, how much i love him, and wish he was still here. I can't believe Jeremiah never once loved him, it is so unreal to think that he didn't. I have this love for Landon that is just unreal and absolutely can't be replaced... and Jeremiah never even loved him at all. He never cared about him, and never wanted to see him. I guess that is dumb for me to care about, but... he didn't even think one good thought about our baby boy. I guess i should say MY baby boy, gosh i miss him so much. i want him here, i want to hold him again and look at his cute little face, with that top lip that stuck out =( maybe i do talk about it too much, and maybe i do make myself miserable... but, Landon is something i will think about everyday for the rest of my life, and something I always want to take time to remember. I love him.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

So here I am, yet again. It is now a new year, another year for me to better myself and become the person I strive so hard every day to be. The last few years of my life, I have not been the person I wanted to be, or even made an effort at it. Sometimes, it takes something drastic to make you want to change, and that something drastic happened to me in this last year. I saw my life flash before my eyes. I held my beautiful baby boy as he died. I hurt my parents. I learned to love like never before. It is all so crazy. When you are 19, in college, living it up.. you think you are invincible, you never see these things coming at you. You never know what is going to happen. Bad things just don't happen when you are my age... wrong... they do. They happen to people like me and you everyday, and they wake us up and make us realize that it's not too late to turn your life around. I have made an absolute turn around in my life. I am starting to take life seriously, grow up, cherish my friends and family, make memories that i can actually remember, enjoy nature - the beautiful sunsets and stars, and most of all love the life that i have so graciously been blessed with. I do not deserve everything that I have been given. I have not been the Christian that I know how to be. But, my God is a forgiving one. Some days I hate waking up and being me, but like they always say... someone else has it worse than you do. That is very true. So... for this NEW YEAR of 2007 I will... -get focused on school -work on my relationship with God -learn how to be a better daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend -be sure to let everyone know how much i care for them -not do things that i really don't want to just because someone else wants me to -learn how to get mad and not be such a pushover -not get my feelings hurt over silly things