A Box

It is sad really. Anytime that I want to spend time with my son, I go to a box. It is a small memory box full of very few memories of the baby I love so much. His pictures are in there, all the sonograms, the blanket he was wrapped in at the hospital, his little hat that is stained with blood that he wore, the sympathy cards, his birth certificate with foot prints, and the book I was obsessed with reading "What to Expect when you are Expecting". Also in that same box you will find a pamphlet about the Empty Arms program, and a bear I was given. Was that bear supposed to help me feel better about my son not going home with me?

So, I have a box... that is all that is left of his memory, except for what is left in my heart.

This time six years ago I was scared out of my mind. I was trying to figure out how to tell my dad that I was pregnant... that his little girl was not longer innocent. I was a little over 3 months pregnant, and I was so sick! I threw up every day all day long. I lost weight at the beginning of the pregnancy instead of gaining. My dad took the news hard, but then he became excited, just as the rest of my family did. There was a new life, a miracle in my belly and we couldn't help but be happy about it. Dad would come in my room before I went to sleep to talk to Landon and tell him he was gonna be the best grandpa in the world. He was so happy when he found out it was a boy... the first thing that was bought for Landon was a UK outfit. My dad couldn't get rid of it... I know that it broke his heart that Landon didn't come home with us either.

I was so terrified about being a mom back then... and maybe I wasn't ready and God just knew better, so he took Landon home with Him. But now... all I want is to be a mom to a baby here on earth. Friends, please pray for my husband and I as we are trying to make that dream come true. We want a little miracle of our own... I don't just want a box of a few memories to bring home with me, I want a living breathing baby that can love me back, and make a lifetime of memories with me. Landon will never be replaced and I know that, but that isn't what I am wanting.

 My dad wrote a letter/testimony to the people that helped me and my family during the loss of Landon and my close brush with death. I would like to share it with everyone...

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ANGELS?

We live in a skeptical world these days where technology allows us to prove and disprove theories, ideas, old wives tales, myths, legends, etc. There's much talk these days about the existence of angels or even of God for that matter. My family had the opportunity recently with the illness of out daughter, Emily, to learn the turn of this first hand and to reaffirm for us that God is very real and that angels do exist in our lives. 

Emily became suddenly ill as a result of her pregnancy and was rushed via helicopter to Norton's Hospital in Louisville, KY where they specialize in the necessary treatment. Soon after we arrived, we were informed that her condition was graver than we thought and a very hard decision needed to be made. If Emily continued to carry her unborn son both she and he would most likely die. After much anguish and prayer the choice was made to begin the medicine that would induce labor. About twenty-four hours later, Landon James Stephens was born and taken to heaven. He weighed 12 ounces and was beautiful in every way. He is buries in a special garden in a Louisville Cemetery.

During this period Emily's kidneys had very nearly shut down and she was in danger of organ damage or even death. God granted her the strength to survive and continue to bless us with her presence. God gave us all a strength we did not possess on our own to be steadfast and bear this sorrow while looking ahead to a brighter day. While we were gone for these several days taking care of our daughter we had friends and family come to our home and take care of things like laundry, the lawn, our son Heath, who stayed at home by himself during this time, and other details I'm sure I've forgotten to mention.

We not only know without a doubt that angels exist but we saw them. We saw the work of their hands, we heard their soft voices of concern and consolation, we felt their hands on our shoulders, and even looked them in the eye. They wore ambulance flight suits, nursing uniforms, every day clothes, and plain old work jeans. They were by our sides, in our home, and in our hearts. The best angel of all was Emily, who received a measure of strength from God that helped her handle this loss and to make tough decisions on her own with an unwavering mind. At times when she saw the concern on our faces and maybe fear too, she told us she loved us and that she was alright. I have no doubt that God sent them all to help us in our need and I will thank them for this every day for the rest of my life. 

"Thank you" to everyone for your prayers, thoughts, and deeds during our time of need. We only hope we get the chance to repay your kindness in some small measure some day. 

Randy and Connie Stephens

"Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus"   (Philippians 4:6-7)

"In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry came before Him, even into his ears"    (Psalm 18:6)

So maybe it is more than just a box... it is the stretch marks on my belly, the extra weight I still carry, the tears I cry daily, and the gut wrenching feeling that I get when I hold a baby. I pray to God every day to make me a mother... but I AM A MOTHER. I am the mom of a beautiful baby boy. His name is Landon James Stephens... and just as my dad said, he was perfect in every way. Maybe too perfect for this world. 

I now hope for the chance for another baby, one that my husband can love as well. One that is part of both of us. This is my prayer to God every day... and maybe just maybe it will happen soon.