So over the past 4 years, I have been lucky enough to be married to a great Christian man that loves me unconditionally. I find myself wondering how someone like him could love someone like me. I have my faults... and lots of them. I usually seem well put together and like a strong individual. That is not the case at all.
My walls have been broken down, and I am weak. I struggle to smile every day. I take medication to make me "happier", and medication to help me sleep. My life is much different at 24 than I thought it would be. Ten years ago I imagined myself being graduated from college now, not married, being a successful business woman and providing for myself.
All of that changed the day that I fell in love with Josh. I had already been through the turmoil of losing Landon, but I saw a new future with Josh, and he was able to keep my mind off of what had happened to my family and I just a few months before. He brought sunshine back into my life, and I decided that I never wanted that to go away.
After a while, the new wears off. He still makes me happy, and he still makes me smile, but it is much more difficult now. After we got married I fell into a deep depression, when I should have been happy about my new life.
I immediately assumed that since we were married that we should have a baby, because of course that was all that was missing in my life. My husband quickly reminded me that we had some living to do before children, and that we were broke! We had no business bringing a child into this world. I eventually got over the thought of having a baby and realized that would wait until later. At the same time, I was struggling with our financial situation. When we first started dating I was spoiled rotten... given anything I wanted. Now the bills of real life started piling in and we were both overwhelmed. We had jobs, but not good jobs. We were just starting out!
The first 2 years of our marriage we lived in poverty. We had enough money to pay our bills and get by... but it was not a glamorous life style. My husband was not and is not willing to go into credit card debt (smart man!). Ramen noodles had become a staple in our home. We have since dug ourselves out of poverty and are doing well for ourselves.
After a year long deployment to Kuwait, Josh snagged a civil service job at the airbase at Ft. Leonardwood doing his military job as a civilian Monday through Friday. I am and was so proud of him for taking such a big leap for us and bringing even more stability to our home. I am now going to school to finish my degree - which I always dreamed would have been finished much before now, and working a few part-time jobs to make some extra money.
Even though my life seems like it is falling into place... it just keeps falling apart. I am reminded daily of the son that I lost. I am sad and depressed, and it takes a toll on our marriage. No one should have to deal with my depression except for me... but it doesn't work that way. I know that it effects my loving, caring, compassionate husband. This wasn't the woman that he married... and I want so much to be happy, for him and for me.
Sometimes I think if I just had Landon here that I would be fine, that I could smile again. Then I remember, if Landon were here... I probably wouldn't have Josh either. I know because of this that things do happen for a reason. Josh has told me time and time again (and no I do not think he is a mean person for this) that if Landon were still here we probably would never have even gone on our first date... much less be married now.
So I think it is time for me to let go of my sorrow, and bring on the happiness that is waiting for me in life. I don't need any medication to make me feel that way, I just need to embrace my life for what I have in it. Landon isn't here, but I feel him around me every day. I am thankful to have held an angel in my arms for the short time I had him, and now I am ready to hold my real life angel, my husband, in my arms for the rest of my life.
If you are dealing with depression, don't be scared to get help. Medication may be needed, but it won't take care of everything. God will, and you must turn to Him in your time of need. He can mend you. Prayer is powerful medicine...
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