We have been praying for an addition to our family. Every night when we sit down for dinner together, we pray out loud about our wants and our hopes and for God's will. I pray throughout the day that a miracle will happen, and I will be pregnant. My husband tells me that he prays for the same thing several times a day. When I reflect on our prayers, I feel as if we are being selfish. Is it selfish to want a child of your own?
My body already tells me that I am a mother. I have those instincts that only mother's have, and I am longing so bad to have a child to raise and love. Some days, I have to distance myself from Facebook because I can't bear to see all of the pregnant pictures, or new baby pictures. I am jealous. I know that isn't right, one shouldn't covet thy neighbor, but my instincts tell me otherwise. Some days I wish I could go dig my son up and breathe life in to him, make him mine again, but I know that will never happen. Some days I weep and feel sorry for myself because of what I went through.
I have recently been reminded that I am not the only one that this terrible thing has happened to. Just within the last 2 years, I have met over a dozen women that have suffered this very same fate. These were all women that were very deserving of children... they had stable homes for the babies, lots of support, plenty of love, and no problems with drugs or other abuse. These were good people that had something bad happen to them. I was fortunate enough to cross paths with these ladies and offer words of encouragement, cry for and with them, and just be someone that could understand what they are going through. Some people I had to reach out to, but with others, we seemed to have been brought together by fate.
One of my very dear friends, Randi, lost her son just last year. It was a story very similar to mine, but different medical problems that caused the early delivery of her son Coy. Together over the last year, we have been able to help each other in a way I never thought possible. We both became stronger in our Faith in the Lord, and we also became best friends that could really understand what the other was going through. Some mornings I wake up, and without hesitation I will send her a text about our boys, about something that they might be doing in heaven together that day. She will usually text me back and ask me how I knew she needed a "pick me up". I give all the credit to God on that... I just have the urge to send the message. Without a doubt, our sons have brought us together. Two people that never even breathed a breath on this Earth have impacted so much already. Randi checks on me several times a week to see how my newest endeavor is coming along. I always tell her... not yet.
Not yet, but hopefully one day is my motto.
My husband had an ultrasound done on his testes this week to see if there were any problems. There were a few minor problems, but nothing that can't be fixed with a little outpatient surgery. On Friday he will submit some "samples" for analysis to see what we are working with. If we find out that he is not the problem in our endeavor to conceive, then we know that it can be blamed on my PCOS. I am trying so hard on my new PCOS Diet that my friend provided, and I pray that we will see some results from it. If I don't get pregnant, then maybe at least some of my symptoms of PCOS will start to disappear.
Stay tuned for the test results in my next blog post. If there is not a "next" blog post, then start looking for remains! My husband might not like me sharing his "business" online for the whole world to see! Haha...
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