I have been over this scenario in my head thousands of times... the day I would find out we were expecting a precious child, the fear and anxiety of the pregnancy, and the outcome... a child that was part me and part my husband all smooshed into a little tiny person. I grew up loving kids that were younger than me, wagging around all of the babies at my church, and then as an adult loving all my friends children. I even decided a few years ago that I wanted to go back to college and get my degree in elementary education. Kids have been my passion... always. Having my own children should be easy.
I lost my one and only, Landon James, at 26 weeks pregnant due to preeclampsia. I was always hopeful that I would try again. My husband and I tried to conceive for almost 5 years with no luck. Then last year my life completely got turned upside down again. I was in the hospital having suffered a stroke. My neurologist and other doctors while I was in the hospital still seemed hopeful about the possibility of me having children, but that I would need to be closely monitored by a high risk doctor.
A few months after my stroke, I seemed to be back to myself, so I wanted to talk to my doctor about conceiving. I was referred to a high risk specialist in Springfield. The appointment came, and what should have been an exciting time for me ended up being a terrible disappointment. I got awful news... after reviewing my history and my current blood clotting problems I was advised to avoid pregnancy. Pregnancy would never be a good idea for me, as death was a likely possibility. I was broken and devastated.
A few months after I let all of this sink in, my husband and I wanted to start the adoption process, which we are currently still working on. I am very excited, and I know this is the right thing for us... but there was still this hope in the back of my mind that I would get pregnant, and God would pull through and we would get that miracle baby that the doctor just knew we wouldn't/couldn't have.
I was having some very heavy bleeding since starting my blood thinners after my stroke, so I made a special appointment with my gyno to talk about options. She brought up the appointment with the high risk doctor and the report she received back. She began to talk to me about birth control options... and about how limited my choices are because of my blood clotting disorder. We decided together that having my tubes tied and having an endometrial ablation would solve my birth control and heavy bleeding problems.
Monday I had my procedure done. I went in there with a peace about what this surgery meant for me. I knew that God led me down this path because He wanted to open my heart to adoption. I have no doubt about that.... but tonight my heart is heavy and all I can think about is how there will never be that chance that I will be pregnant. I am forever sterilized and will never carry a child. This is not how I pictured my life. I never imagined at 25 year old that I would have to make such a difficult decision. I am devastated and just waiting on God to pick me back up and brush me off.
These two incisions will likely make scars... and those scars will always be a painful reminder that I am barren and will never carry a sweet baby in my belly again.
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